StagPranks joke of the day

Nick Swardson: Down side of Magical Friends

One of my best friend's is a professional magician. The only downside to having a magical friend is he always invites us on double dates, and that's the worst because I'm a nice guy, but he's magic. There's no way I can compete with that. He shows up, he's so smooth. Girls love him. He's like, 'How's it going? You look so beautiful tonight. Your hair -- is that a coin? Now, it's a rose. Now, it's money.' And it's like, I show up -- what am I gonna do? I'm like, 'Hi, I brought you this rose. Now, it's broken.'

Felipe Esparza: Dad's Furniture Fix

I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels -- it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.

John Oliver: Taxation Without Representation

Frankly, I could not f**king believe I was not allowed to vote. Three and a half years I've lived here! I work hard -- relatively speaking for someone who does this for a living. I pay my taxes. I try to fit in. I've learnt your rudimentary language. I don't know what more you could reasonably expect me to do. And that's when it hit me. I know why I'm so angry. I know what this is -- taxation without representation. Now I get it. Now I see why you got so pissy about it all those years ago. It is annoying. You were right. It is annoying and consider that as close to an apology as you are ever going to get.

Dane Cook: By a Round of Applause

Comedy crowds -- we always want to come out and ask you, 'How you feeling?' We always say that, 'By a round of applause, how do you feel?' Right? 'By a round of applause, how you feeling?' It's the only place in the world that you judge how you're feeling by a round of applause... There's never like a car accident, people all over the ground, people running over -- 'Ma'am! Ma'am! By a round of applause, how do you feel? By a round of applause -- she's not clapping!'

Rory Albanese: Least Respected Place

I'm from Long Island, which is the least respected place in the world. I travel all over the country. I could be in the middle of Omaha doing something and the guy comes up to me and says, 'Hey, where'd you grow up?' I'm like, 'Long Island.' And he's like, 'Loser.' Really? I grew up 22 miles from Manhattan; you lost your virginity to corn. I feel like I win that round. I'm like, 'I've seen the ocean. Game over.'